Today I’m depressed. Yesterday I called my two daughters and talked to them, and wished my eldest a happy birthday. It was really hard hearing their voices and it’s tearing me apart to think that I may never see them again under normal circumstances.
I also went to my neighbors birthday party - coincidently, she shares the same birthday as my daughter - which, despite everything, was fun. I met more people from the apartment building, and being the new guy I was made to feel welcome. It almost seemed like it was my party, not that my neighbor cared; she seemed to be more interested in me than she was in her own birthday party.
Although I had to tell a lot of lies about myself and my personal life, I was still me, so I didn’t feel so dishonest. I made the decision not to stay for too long so I didn’t get in too deep, but what I did experience made me feel like a real person again for the first time since I went into hiding, which is another reason I’m depressed.
I simply can’t allow myself to become involved. No matter how much I want a regular life now, I know I can’t have one. There is still a very strong chance that I’m going to have to go into the federal Witness Protection Program very soon, so what’s the point in making friends and a life I can’t keep?
It’s just not fair. I’m doing everything I can but it’s just such a struggle and it’s still not enough. I’m holding down a job which I get paid cash for, I’m on elance.com taking on all the web design projects I can and I’m trying to make this blog earn more money… I just wonder how much longer I can keep this up before I face what looks to be the inevitable and call the FBI?
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